my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
