Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I wear drunk well.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
