If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
