Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
