I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
