omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
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