I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
