last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
