it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
