so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i drank out of a bidet.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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