My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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