What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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