good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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