If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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