A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
