I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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