Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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