I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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