fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
