mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
