i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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