Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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