I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize