Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize