Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
