My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
