I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
