There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
