You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
