I'm eating all of the evidence.
only if we run a train.
done.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
this hospital has no fireball
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
