cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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