fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
