In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
