her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Randomize
