I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
