conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
