You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
