he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
smell my finger.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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