i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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