can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
