Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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