I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
