The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
