Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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