There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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