I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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