Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
