My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
