He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
