dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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