Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
