awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
