We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
