I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
false alarm. still invincible.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize