Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize