i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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