I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
