i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
