I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
