I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
