today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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